


Whatever Happened to Predictability

by Suffragette



Category: Full House, Fuller House
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:33:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6150760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suffragette/pseuds/Suffragette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephanie's journey in coming to accept her own sexuality and eventually come out to her family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**"Whatever happened to predictability…"**

_*Author's Note: I know this gets redundant at this point, but this is my first fanfic I've decided to go forward and publish. I'm the middle of watching the new re-boot, Fuller House, and was really drawn to Stephanie's character and wanted to explore the idea of her repressing her sexuality due to her upbringing. So I am trying to stay somewhat in cannon as far as the overall plot lines of her moving home to help DJ, etc, but obviously this conflicts with the story lines about her dating guys and such. Also, I don't have a beta at this point, so please feel free to point out any glaring mistakes and I'll do my best to fix them. I currently have two more chapters written and at least a general idea of where I'm going after that. Please comment and let me know if you like the story thus far and/or any thoughts you may have.*_

Chapter 1

There was a time in her life where Stephanie swore she'd never come back here, at least not to stay. This house, filled with so many amazing memories of her giant, rambunctious, cheesy, adorable family. This house, out of eye and ear shot of so many observers over the years, also was the birthplace of all her questions and doubts and pain.

Growing up, Stephanie always knew there was something different about her. Her family knew it, too, but always just saw her antics as being the product of her place as the middle child, the one who had to clamour just that little bit more for attention.

And, sure, that was definitely a part of it. But there was another part that was never quite noticed by her overly involved family. It wasn't noticed for several different reasons. Of course, Stef herself was nowhere near ready to deal with what was going on with her, so she buried all the thoughts and feelings in the deepest recesses of her consciousness. But it was also a huge product of the times. Back in the late '80s and early '90s, differing sexuality was never discussed or even mentioned, except maybe as the coded punch line of a joke that would go over most people's heads.

But times have changed, and so has Stephanie.

Throughout the years of traveling, partying, and DJ-ing across the world, Stef really let loose and allowed herself to explore those hidden parts of herself that she would never dare to show in the old family home. There were no repercussions in that lifestyle. Stephanie could have a fling with some brooding 'riot girl' band member for a half a month in Ibiza and no one would ever be the wiser. She could spend a wild night or two with Rhianna's crazy crew, and no one in her family had any way of ever finding out.

It was on one of those wild nights that Stef meet Deanna, the radical black lesbian who would blast Stephanie's whole world apart.

At first, when Deanna made some snide comment about Stephanie's privileged upbringing, Stef was incensed, even muttering her trademark, "how rude!" under her breath, and vowed to never speak to Deanna again. But then they kept running into each other, and with each new biting comment, Stephanie started to see more and more of the truth in what Deanna was saying. Stephanie did grow up in a world completely apart from injustice and discrimination. It took her a long time, but Stef finally came to understand and embrace the fact that this critique of her upbringing, this acknowledgement of her privileges, didn't mean that the Tanner clan was mean or hateful in any way. But they were blind, whether willfully or ignorantly, to the greater world at their doorsteps. And they were oh so very white. Living in San Francisco in the early '90s, they were only a few hours away from the Rodney King beating, trial, and riots. But Stephanie never even learned the name Rodney King till the late '00s.

There was another, more personal, revelation that happened with Deanna. Deanna was flabbergasted that Stef had never heard of Rodney King, and threw out, "that's like me telling you I'd never heard of Harvey fucking Milk! How can you even have a conversation with someone if they haven't even heard of your community's martyr?!"

 _Her_ community?

While the name Harvey Milk wasn't ever spoken about in her house growing up, she did learn of the story, or at least a somewhat sanitized version of it, in high school civics class, being such a local and relatively recent occurrence. But Stephanie had never even thought to claim the local city official who was killed in an anti-gay hate crime as somehow associated with herself. Sure, she'd had some flings with women over the years, but Stef had always refused to label herself. She'd always just rationalized those flings away as drunken experiments. She'd spent her entire childhood in San Francisco and had never even been to the Castro District, so how could she claim allegiance to some larger gay community?

Stephanie didn't even say anything in response to Deanna's question. She was just stunned. She couldn't speak at all as she contemplated Deanna's implication. After an awkward moment where the group around them stilled due to Deanna's outburst, conversations picked up again and Stephanie got lost in the hum of it.

Then the band they were there to see started playing, and Stephanie immediately joined Deanna and the rest of the throng on the dance floor. Stef didn't even realize that Deanna or anyone else was there at first. She just felt the first pulse of the bass and knew she needed to move, to let the music take her over, so she could forget, if only for a while, everything her brain and heart were fighting to tell her.

It was right there, in the middle of the dance floor, completely lost in the music, that Stephanie let herself go. She opened her eyes just a fraction, almost sensing that Deanna was still close by but needing confirmation. And sure enough, there Deanna was, also lost in the motion and the din and the moment. Deanna's short dreadlocks were moving gracefully with the beat and the rest of Deanna was sensuous and beautiful and everything Stephanie didn't know she needed in that moment. She took one step closer with the beat, and then another, until Stef's front was flush with Deanna's entire back.

Deanna didn't need to turn around or ask questions. She knew who it was, and she knew why. They stayed that way, dancing together to the rhythm, until the song changed. With the opening sounds of the next song, Deanna swayed and side stepped and gracefully turned, until they were face to face, then front to front, once again moving together, seamlessly flowing with the music as it washed over them.

Nothing else mattered in that moment for Stephanie except the girl in her arms, the one and only person up until that point in her life who had pointed out that unpredictable thing that had existed in the deepest, darkest depths of Stephanie's heart all along.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephanie comes out to herself

_*Author's Note: While I have probably seen every single episode of the original Full House several times throughout my life, I have not watched any episodes recently and have definitely never done a full re-watch.  So I apologize in advance if any of Stephanie's internal dialogue about her life growing up seems inconsistent with stuff that happened in the show.  If there's anything majorly out of character, please do let me know.  I appreciate any and all feedback you may have, and thanks for reading!*_

 Chapter 2

 

The whole night ebbs and flows in Stephanie's memory, but the memory of one particular moment always snaps it right back into focus.

Deanna and Stephanie had spent the previous few hours alternating between grinding together and making out on the dance floor, when the club finally closed down in the wee hours of the morning.  Still making out intermittently, Deanna and Stef made their way back to the hotel where Stef was living.  It was just a couple blocks away from the music venue, and Deanna's place was a decent trek away.  Neither one of them asked questions about any of it though.  They just moved in tandem till they finally fell, entangled and mostly out of their clothes, onto the California King in Stephanie's room.   The next hour or hours were a blur of limbs and sweat and hair and that beautiful mess that is a complicated but oh-so-compatible couple's first time.

As the high noon sun started streaming through the curtains at last, Stephanie finally asked the question that she'd been running from when she first escaped onto that dance floor a half a day earlier: "How did you know that I'm gay?"

It isn't so much Deanna's answer that Stephanie can always remember clearly.  In fact, that part is usually just a blank.  It's the fact of the question that rocked Stephanie's world.  It was finally saying those words out loud, more so than any of the physical expressions they'd shared over the previous hours, that made Stephanie firmly accept who she is, no matter what it may do to her predictable world.

And so Stephanie poured her heart out to Deanna, telling her all about her life growing up, living in that crazy full house.  Stephanie talked about how, throughout all the craziness, love, and pep talks, she always knew that, no matter how much her family loved and accepted her, their worlds would be rocked if they ever found out the truth about her.  And so Stephanie had spent her entire life running from that truth.  Any time she got close to a female friend in high school, she would always shove deep back into her mind any and all non-platonic thoughts that would inevitably arise.  She knew her family loved her and she loved them back, so very deeply.  But when you grow up with a family that is constantly challenging you to do the "right" thing, with countless discussions with any number of father figures (and later a mother figure too in Aunt Becky), you can never be sure how they'll react to such a morally fraught issue.  Differing gender identities and sexual orientations were never acknowledged or discussed, and with public opinion as it was as Stephanie was growing up, she just knew, on some level, to keep her own feelings quiet.

But as she ventured out into the world on her own, escaping the protective bubble she'd spent her whole childhood in, Stephanie started to gravitate towards people who would address the harder political and social issues of the day and who were accepting of any number of differing viewpoints.  Plus, the music scene Stephanie quickly integrated into was rife with all kinds of sexual shenanigans, so hooking up with another girl wasn't even blinked at, no matter a person's professed orientation.

Stephanie had lived in these two worlds, the predictable child hood home where morality was upheld and things outside of their view weren't discussed and the unpredictable, sexually and morally ambiguous world of music and parties.  Stef returned to the former world and (too) comfortably slipped into the repressed, predictable version of herself that her family knew during family reunions and holiday gatherings.  But the majority of her time, Stef lived in that gray area that didn't require identification, explanation, or labels.  She just lived.  And she wasn't entirely happy in either.

Until Deanna came along, and Stephanie began to start seeing and defining herself within the world in which they now lived.  She stopped partying quite as hard and spent more and more time exploring her relationship with Deanna and, by extension, her identity.  As her sexuality came into focus and gained definition, Stephanie took a step back from the more morally ambiguous parts of the music world.  She still DJ'd and went out regularly, but she no longer felt the need to escape into the darker recesses of that world.  She allowed herself to focus on the music itself, instead of the scene she'd become enmeshed in.  She grew to love her job, her life, and Deanna. 

 But then Tommy Fuller died, and everything, once again, shifted.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephanie and Deanna process everything that is happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: Thank you so much everyone for all your encouragement. I'm looking forward to really digging into this story with all of you.*

As Stephanie was packing to go home to help her family move, she told Deanna that it still wasn't the time to tell her family, that she didn't want to take any of the focus off of DJ.  But Deanna knew that wasn't true, and she called Stephanie on it.

"That excuse worked during the funeral, Stef, but it's been six months! This isn't a sad, help your sister mourn trip.  It's a family reunion.  Who knows when that'll happen again?  Don't you want me to meet your family?  And vice versa?"

"Of course, I want you guys to all meet each other, but I just…I don't know, Dea.  I just really can't do this, now, ok?" Stef nearly cried.

So Deanna left it there, because she knows that it's a journey, and maybe asking to meet the family right away like that, when Stef isn't even out yet, wasn't fair.  So she helped Stef finish packing, and as they hugged goodbye, Deanna said, "Babe, just do me one favour, okay? If the conversation comes up, don't avoid it.  You don't have to talk about me at all.  I'm not worried about that.  But your family is so special to you, and you're only letting them see small bits and pieces of who you are.  I know they'd love you even more if you shared this part of yourself with them.  Take a chance on them."

Stephanie just smiled sadly and pulled Deanna in for a bittersweet kiss in response, before heading out to the Uber waiting outside their loft.

The following night, when Stephanie called Deanna, she knew she had to tell her that she would be moving back home with DJ, but she couldn't find the words for the longest time.  They just sat on the phone together, Stefanie alternating between saying "I'm sorry" with tears streaming down her face and starting, but faltering and failing to explain what was happening.  Finally, after Stef had fumbled her way through most of what had happened to lead her to this decision, Deanna was silent for a moment, and then said, "I think you need this, babe.  And I think you know it.  You never would've been so quick to offer to move in with your sister if you weren't ready to really buckle down with your family and figure out how to reconcile who you are with what they know about you."

After a short, sniffle-filled pause, Stephanie croaked, "You're probably right…but aren't you going to at least tell me that you'll miss me?" 

Chuckling quietly, Deanna said, "I know, how rude of me.  Listen, I think you and I both need to take some time and figure out what, if anything, we want out of this relationship given what's going on now.  I love you, and I already miss you like crazy, but know that I fully support you and am here for you.  We just need to figure out what that looks like at some point."

"Thanks, Dea.  I love you, too.  Seriously, how did I stumble upon someone as perceptive, compassionate, and aggravatingly eye-opening as you?"

Smiling to herself, as the weight of the distance started to settle on her, Deanna whispered, "Life's just unpredictable like that, sometimes."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family support from an unexpected place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: I can't apologize enough for abandoning this story. I promise I never forgot about it. I just got incredibly busy with work and also struggled with knowing where to go with the chapters after this one. I have three more chapters queued up after this one though, so I promise I'll at least make it to the meat of the story this time. I appreciate everyone who has read and followed up on this story in the interim. This is a short, mostly transitional chapter, but it's important set up for what's coming next, I promise. I have more thoughts I want to share, but I think there's been enough adieu. :-)*

Michelle was actually the only member of the family who fully knew what was going on with Stephanie. It didn't even happen on purpose. When their fashion and music worlds happened to be in the same city (or even just the same general vicinity), Stef and Michelle always found a way to spend some time together, usually at some music or fashion related event. But one day about a year ago, Michelle made an unplanned model scouting trip to Chicago and didn't even have time to pack a bag, never mind call Stef to give her a heads up. So when Michelle strode into Stef's regular coffee shop one afternoon only to see Stef and Deanna snuggled up together at a corner booth, she almost didn't recognize her sister.

Initially, Stephanie just looked up with a questioning smile when she heard her name, thinking a friend or music contact had stopped by. When she saw her baby sister, not so little anymore, but just as much a force of nature, standing in front of her with an equally questioning and knowing look on her face, she decided not to run from this. It would have been far too easy to just causally slide away from Deanna, make it look like this was just a platonic situation. But even though Stef and Michelle rarely had deep conversations together, they seemed to understand and respect each other's independence and need to set their own rules.

So after giving Michelle a hug and figuring out why she was in town, Stephanie nodded Michelle into the booth across from them, took Deanna's reassuring hand in her own, and introduced Michelle to her girlfriend. Unsurprising to Stephanie, though slightly confusing to Deanna, Michelle took the whole thing in stride, didn't ask any invasive questions, and proceeded to exchange any number of hilarious stories with Stephanie about their respective experiences dealing with obnoxious celebrities, designers, and musicians.

Michelle ended up extending her stay for a few hours (it was all her fashion empire could afford her) and had time to have an hour just with Stephanie. Deanna had to go to her job at the clinic, plus she knew that the sisters likely needed some time to actually talk. There was no deep revelations or discussions, really. Just a simple but profound thread of understanding and closeness that ran between the two girls. They didn't need to speak about why Stef hadn't told anyone else in the family yet. While Michelle didn't have that particular issue to contend with, there was a reason she almost never returned home. She didn't fit into that world anymore, and doubted she ever would. And more than that, her family would never fully understand her world. So she didn't have to ask Stephanie why she hadn't told anyone. And Stephanie never had to ask Michelle to not spread the news. It was all just understood. 

But even though they never had that in depth discussion, as Deanna had expected they would when she left the two alone all those months prior, Michelle was the next phone call Stephanie made, after saying her tearful goodbyes to Deanna. 

And once again, it wasn't about the words that they said. Stephanie wasn't expecting to get into deep discussions with Michelle about her thought processes and worries about living at home again. It was the mere fact of talking to someone who would so deeply understand the pain and the joy that the decision to move home was bringing her. So when Stephanie called and told Michelle what was happening, when all she said was, "Wow. That's going to be so tough, but I'm so proud to be able to call you my sister," that was all Stephanie needed to hear in that moment.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set immediately after the dance-off in Euphoria (Season 1, episode 3), things get super real, super quickly on the car ride home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's note: this and the next chapter were going to be one chapter, but then it turned super long so I decided to break it up. I appreciate any and all feedback.*

On their way back from Euphoria, after Kimmy and DJ had won the dance off, DJ is completely ecstatic.  She keeps thanking Kimmy and Stephanie for making her come out.  She's so happy and doesn't really want the night to end, so she insists that the Uber stops at a liquor store so they can get some champagne to keep the party going. 

Once they're half way through the bottle, DJ giggles and says to Stephanie, "I can't believe you know Macy Gray!"  Stephanie, not being the biggest fan of champagne, especially in a moving car, is starting to sober up a little.  She responds, "There's a lot you don't know about me, Deej," with a half chuckle.  Not really listening to her sister, DJ keeps exclaiming, "And I can't believe she thought we were a couple of lesbians!  I mean how crazy is that?  Can you imagine?"

Not sure what exactly DJ is getting at, and starting to feel more mournful than cheerful, Stephanie asks, "What's so hard to imagine?  You and Kimmy being together or just the thought of lesbians…"  Stephanie doesn't really know how to finish that thought.  She honestly has no idea where her more conservative sister stands on queer people, either politically or personally.

Still very drunk, DJ only half hears the question and definitely doesn't catch the open-ended nature of its second part.  So she just keeps rambling on, "Oh, you know, just the thought of me and Kimmy being together.  Like, Kimmy's my best friends, but even I can hardly stand her.  Plus I know how the rest of the family feels…"

Feeling like maybe she can get a read on her sister's true thoughts on the subject without having to actually deal with coming out or any ramifications due to DJ's state of inebriation, Stephanie keeps pushing: "How the rest of the family feels about what?"

Not catching the shift to a more interrogatory tone, DJ nonchalantly replies, "Oh, you know.  Everyone tolerates Kimmy at best.  It's gotten a bit better over the years as she's mellowed out slightly…" At this Kimmy finally clues into the conversation, "Huh?  What? Me, mellow?" 

Not paying attention to Kimmy's interruption, DJ continues to explore her drunken thoughts, "But even if it weren't Kimmy and me, I just can't see anyone in our family being in a gay relationship."  Continuing to blunder on as if having this discussion only with herself, DJ says, "I know, I know, religion was never a huge deal in our house, but we've still always been so traditional about all that stuff." 

And that's when she gets to the part that Stephanie had always feared,  "Plus even though we weren't raised super Christian, I've always believed on some level.  And then with Tommy being so conservative and churchy, I really committed to my faith when we got married.  I support everyone making their own choices on a political level.  I am from San Francisco, after all.  But, personally, I just don't think it's right.  I mean, the Bible has a lot of great stuff in there and I really do try to follow it..."  At this DJ finally tapers off.  It's as if she suddenly realizes that she's not alone in the back of the car. 

Maybe it was because she hadn't had a chance to drink during her long-winded exposition or maybe it was the look on Stephanie's face, but DJ seems to suddenly sober up.  And she just stares at the look of pain and grief on Stephanie's face that she can see reflected in the car window.  Kimmy is sitting on the other side of DJ on the cramped back seat of the sedan, happily singing along to the radio, oblivious to the sudden unease amongst the rest of her self-proclaimed She-Wolf Pack.

DJ has no clue what to say, and Stephanie is no longer looking at or trying to talk to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: Don't hate me for the cliffhanger! I promise I'll post the next chapter soon. Let me know what you think.*


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of DJ's drunken ramble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: So one of the reasons I struggled so much with figuring out where to go with these chapters was that I wasn't sure what I was doing with the OC of Deanna. I've realized that I actually really like her character and don't want her to just fade away, as I had initially imagined. Let me know if you want to see more of her, okay? And as always, any other thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.*

Just as DJ is trying to figure out what exactly she had just said and how it could provoke this type of reaction in her sister, the Uber pulls up to their iconic red front door. Stephanie, having been fighting back tears ever since DJ had reached peak ramble, mutters a stilted "thank you" to the driver and jumps out of the car. She races up to the front door and stops, hoping it just looks like she's waiting so they can all enter together, when in reality, she's using the few seconds to take deep breaths, gather herself, and put on the well-practiced care-free smile that everyone expects of her.

After dealing with the jubilant mess created by Joey's babysitting, Stephanie tries to sneak away to her room. DJ's still in mother-mode, but she takes a second to grab Stephanie's hand and whisper, "I'm going to come talk to you when I'm done here. I love you, no matter what, ok?" Stephanie just nods, her eyes already starting to well with tears again, and she races down the stairs into her room.

A half hour later, Stephanie has decided that the best way to protect herself is to just shut down her emotions and let DJ say what she needs to say. She's had a lot of practice doing that, throughout her teenage years especially, though her stoic face has gotten a lot less measured since Deanna. And with that thought, Stef realizes that the one person she really needs to talk to right now is her girlfriend. She quickly picks up the phone and dials, smiling for the first time in what feels like hours at the picture that pops up with Deanna's contact of the two of them smiling like giddy teenagers in front of Chicago's iconic "bean." 

Picking up after a couple rings, Deanna cheerfully asks, "Hey Baby, how was your night out with the girls? You get frisky at the club and now want a little phone--"

At this, Stephanie cuts Deanna off, knowing they probably don't have long before DJ descends the stairs from the kitchen. "Honey, I'll call you back later so we can actually talk, but right now I just need to tell you something and hear your voice, okay?" 

"Of course, Stephanie, what's going on?" 

Stephanie always knows she has Deanna's undivided attention when she uses her full name. It immediately calms her. "DJ just showed some fairly homophobic true colours, saw my reaction, and is about to come talk to me. I'm likely going to come out to her, and if what she just said is any indication, it's not going to go well." Stephanie doesn't attempt to fill the silence that follows, instead she just lets Dea absorb everything that's been thrown at her.

"Okay, Stephanie, I hear you. First, know that I'm here for you in whatever way you need me afterwards or even during. Up to and including flying out there or flying you here. Second, it sounds like whatever DJ said, she didn't have any clue about you yet. And from everything you've told me about her, she's stayed entirely inside that bubble you grew up in, if not gone even deeper." 

"That's true," Stef says. 

Deanna pushes on, "Yeah, but what else is true is that DJ has a giant heart. And it's also likely that, because of that bubble, queerness has only ever been hypothetical to her. You're a real live breathing person, standing in front of her. And you're also her sister, best friend, and as of recently, partner in helping raise her children. I gotta believe she thinks the world of you. And that she will take the time to actually see you, if you let her. So don't retreat to your safe, detached place. Let her see you."

Just as Deanna is finishing, DJ knocks softly and opens the door. Seeing that Stef is on the phone, DJ just watches her sister thoughtfully. 

Choosing in that moment to take Deanna's advice, Stephanie says, "Yeah. I think I'm going to try. Thank you, love." 

"Of course, beautiful. I love you and I'll make sure I'm available for the rest of the night if you want to talk," Deanna says. 

"Bye," Stephanie whispers softly and disconnects the phone, as a couple tears fall slowly down her face.

While DJ was watching her sister, she was listening curiously to every word, particularly to the terms of endearment and obvious affection in her sister's tone. But even more peculiar, DJ noticed that the tears falling from her sister's eyes no longer seem to be filled with despair, but are instead almost hopeful.

After watching her sister put the phone down on her nightstand, DJ begins, "Stef, I don't know exactly what's going on, or even what I said for that matter, I was pretty drunk…" Stephanie cuts DJ's rapid fire rambling off before it can fully begin.

"Wait, Deej. Just…let me talk for a minute, okay?"

DJ's response is immediate, and her voice is filled with equal measures compassion and worry, "Of course."

In the silent seconds that follow, Stephanie runs through multiple different opening lines in her head. Should she start with, "I've known for years I was different/didn't fully fit in," or would it be better to go right to DJ's words that triggered this whole thing and take those on before even disclosing anything? Should she mention Gia? The flings before Deanna? And with that thought, Stephanie knows without a doubt where to start.

"That was my girlfriend, Deanna on the phone. She told me to let you see me. So here I am. Standing in the basement of my childhood home, having left the most beautiful, amazing, insightful, breathtakingly challenging woman I've ever met in our shared loft back in Chicago. I came back here to help you with the kids. But that's not the only reason. I also came back here because, for the past several years, I've been afraid to. And I need to deal with that. I need to be honest with our giant, crazy, amazing family. For the first time.

"So here it is." Stephanie takes a long breath to steel her nerves, and then finally says it, "I've known since I was twelve years old that I am gay. I wouldn't have used those words back then. I didn't have the words. But looking back, the thoughts and the feelings that I had for my female friends and for adult women in my life… I know now what those were. They were crushes. I fell in love with Gia, you know. And that's why we abruptly stopped being friends. I let her see me. And I don't know if those things you said back in the car were just drunken ramblings or your actual feelings. But for the first time since Gia, I'm letting someone actually see me in this house. And I just, I just hope…"

DJ sees her sister start to falter, and immediately rushes over to embrace her. "Oh Stephanie, I honestly don't remember everything I said in the car, but I do know it had something to do with the word 'lesbian,' and our family, and religion, and then Tommy… Honestly, I hadn't really thought much about…this…before Tommy. And his family and he had such strong views on it that I just…I guess I went along. And I miss him. So I think part of me thought I had to continue his views on things out of some sort of honour or respect or something. 

"But," and with this, DJ draws away from Stephanie just enough to look her in the eye. With tears streaming down both of their faces now, DJ continues, "when I look at you, my beautiful, brave, little sister… All I feel is love and acceptance and hope. I saw the way your face just shone when you were on the phone with, what's her name again, Diana?" 

"Deanna," Stephanie corrects. 

"See! That glow, right there! Just from saying her name. I don't know how I could have ever imagined that love, no matter what form it takes, especially love that lights up a person's face like that, could ever be considered anything but beautiful and worth celebrating."

Seeing Stephanie's hopeful smile, DJ cups Stephanie's face, wipes away her sister's tears with her thumbs, and then thinks for a second.

"Look, Stef…this is new for me. And I'm going to do my best to support you and love you. But…I'm going to screw up. And I'm probably going to hurt you. And not know what to say. Just…can you try to be gracious with me?"

Stephanie smiles, "As our baby sister would say, 'You got it, dude!'"

Laughing, DJ asks, "Speaking of, have you heard from our missing sibling recently?"

"Well, of course! I had to talk to someone other than Dea about all this," Stephanie says only half-jokingly.

"Michelle knew!" DJ exclaims, pretending to be horrified.

Stephanie explains the chance encounter, and then asks DJ to not tell anyone else in the family yet, especially Dad. "I just really think I should be the one to talk to him about this," Stephanie says, equal parts determination and dread. 

Sighing, DJ says, "Yeah, I honestly have no clue how he'll react. He's…not the biggest fan of change…or anything unpredictable for that matter."

"Don't I know it," Stephanie says, as she flops back on her bed, reaching for her phone. "Hey, Deej, we can talk more later, but I'm emotionally wiped right now."

"Of course," says DJ. "Don't stay up too late talking to, how did you describe her, the most beautiful, challenging, amazing women ever?"

"Something like that," says Stephanie, the adorable grin creeping back onto her face. Stephanie is already dialing the number before DJ even closes the door to ascend the stairs once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: So the second reason I struggled with knowing what to do with this story was I really wasn't sure how to have DJ react to Stephanie coming out. A huge part of that has to do with the actress, Candace Cameron Bure's personal political beliefs. I kind of wanted to have some more of that tension play out in this story, but I re-watched some of these episodes and decided that a total initial rejection of Stephanie didn't fit her character at all. I'm still playing with the idea of having DJ push back a little on so-called moral/religious grounds, but I wanted some feedback first. Do you folks think it fits with DJ's character to struggle on some form of claimed moral or religious grounds with who Stephanie is? If I decide to go that route, this story could likely extend for several more chapters. Otherwise, it will likely come to an end soon after Stephanie comes out to Danny. Let me know what you think.*


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephanie talks to Deanna after her emotional discussion with DJ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: Decided I wanted to add some more Deanna in and to clarify their relationship at this point. Plus I just wanted some happy fluffy feelings. Let me know if you want more of this, or if you want me to stick to the family/original character stuff.*

Deanna picks up the phone on the first ring, says a reassuring, "I'm here, Stef," as a greeting, and then waits. Stephanie is still crying happy tears. All she can say at first is, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Deanna patiently waits for Stef to be able to say more, or anything really. 

Deanna had been super nervous ever since Stephanie's call. She'd heard enough about DJ to know that, while the rest of the family might be shocked at first and might take a little bit of adjusting just because it is a big change, DJ is the one person who might actually maintain some form of objection to who Stephanie is. Stef hadn't said much about DJ's belief systems, mostly because she didn't seem to know for sure, but it sounded like her late-husband came from a very religious background, and DJ was following his lead. It mostly showed in seemingly innocuous stuff like Facebook posts that Tommy shared and DJ liked. But when Deanna saw Stephanie's face fall periodically when she was just scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed, she asked what it was about. Stephanie never said anything. Just showed Dea the post from some church that Tommy was apparently really involved in. They were promoting a right-wing political candidate who was calling for a Constitutional Amendment to overturn the Supreme Court's decision granting equal marriage rights to gay couples. Over the next several weeks and months, every time something upsetting showed up on Stephanie's newsfeed due to her sister's activity, Stef would just mournfully hand the phone over to Dea. She found that Stephanie never wanted to discuss it or even vent and rag on her sister. She just wanted someone to share the pain she was feeling in her heart.

But this time, Deanna knew that Stephanie would want to talk. She quietly prompts, "What happened, hon?" 

Still sniffling, Stephanie starts, "She…she didn't react at all how I thought. I mean, we didn't dig into big moral or political questions. She actually didn't talk much at all. I just…I took your advice. And I told her. I told her about you and how I've known since I was 12 and I told her that she's the first person in this part of my world that I've let see me since Gia. And she just…she just hugged me and apologized for the shit she'd said in the car earlier and then asked me to give her some slack when she screws up."

Smiling, Deanna says, "I'm so happy for you, babe. Your sister let her love for you win out. That's a good thing. Not a lot of people with religious so-called convictions on this stuff let their hearts talk." 

"Yeah," Stephanie agrees, "I have a feeling we'll probably talk about harder stuff later, but for right now, I’m just going to bask in the fact that I'm out to both of my sisters and the world hasn't ended."

Laughing, Deanna reiterates, "That's so great, Stef. I'm so happy for you." 

For the first time since they've known each other, the silence that lingers between them doesn't feel comfortable. When Stef had first decided to move back to San Francisco, they had said they'd both take some time and let each other know what they want to do about their relationship. But two weeks had passed and they'd continued texting and talking as much as they normally do when Stephanie is away on a DJ-ing gig or Deanna is away at a medical conference.

For some reason, the lack of that promised conversation feels heavy in this moment. And neither is entirely sure where to begin.

"So…you might not want to talk about this right now." Deanna takes a deep breath, "but we really should talk about what we're doing at some point."

"I know," says Stephanie mournfully. "I just…I made the decision to move back here so quickly. And…I feel like once I come out to everyone, everything is just going to feel so much different. And I'm not 100% sure, but I feel like I'm still going to want to stay. Even if it's hard, DJ is still going to need my help with the kids."

"Yeah, I get it," says Deanna. "But where does that leave us? I mean, we moved to Chicago together because I got the job at the clinic here and it's a good central location for your music. And you can kind of set up wherever you want, so we decided it made sense to let my job be the home base. But now…"

"I know, I know," Stephanie says, "now I have a more or less permanent home base that is half way across the country from you… And as much as I may want to, I can't ask you to follow me here." 

"Why can't you?" asks Deanna, surprising even herself with the question. 

Stephanie is stunned and has no clue what to say, so Dea continues, "Look, I know when we started seeing each other, we never really had a serious talk about what we wanted or where we were going. We just gravitated towards each other and then somehow that snowballed into this…"

Stephanie interjects, "And what is 'this' exactly?" She doesn't ask it in an accusatory way. Just honestly wanting to know. 

"That's my point," says Deanna. "We have this amazing connection. I could feel it from the very second we met. Even when you thought you hated me for saying all that stuff about you and your background. I don't say that kind of stuff to just anyone, Stef. You just fascinated and aggravated me all at the same time and I've been hooked ever since. And I miss you like crazy. Every time I get home from a shift, I spend hours searching for flight deals to SF. I forget to eat dinner half the time because I get so absorbed in it. I've been trying to give you your space to settle in and figure this all out. But…if I was just your coming out affair… " 

Stephanie interjects, "Dea, you know you weren't the first girl I've slept with." Deanna continues, "I know, babe, but I was the first one that you…" "Actually admitted to?" offers Stephanie.

"Yeah, something like that. And that's a big deal. And a relationship under those circumstances can get really emotional and deep really quickly. And I guess, with everything that's going on with you, I worry that the reason why you've stayed with me is because I was close and all those good emotions were happening, but now that I'm far away… I don't know. I don't know where you stand. And it's hard, because I love you and…if you got what you needed from me," realizing how that sounded, Deanna rushes to continue, "and I don't mean that in a negative way. I'm not saying you used me. But I did really help you along your whole self-discovery and acceptance journey. And if that's all I was, all I am to you, that's okay, Stephanie. It really is. But I need to know. Because those deep emotions…they weren't one sided. I'm so head over heels in love with you, Stephanie Tanner, that I can't think about anything else. But it's only going to get worse and more painful for me if I'm constantly left wondering where you stand and what you want, especially with all this distance. So please, just…tell me. I'd rather find out now than keep wasting all my free time looking up flights I'm never going to be able to take," Deanna finally finishes, feeling terrified and exhausted.

Stephanie is already emotionally exhausted from her talk with DJ, but she knows that she owes this to Deanna, that they can't just keep going on like one of them is just away on business. So she begins, "Dea, I feel like everything with my family is still so up in the air right now that I can't…I can't just tell you that I'm planning on moving back to Chicago, that my time here in SF has an end date. I can't promise that. But…I want to. Not because I want to leave San Fran. I really don’t. But…I wish I could promise that because I'm not ready to lose you." 

Stephanie pauses to compose herself, "But I also feel like I have no right to ask you to look for another job. You're at an amazing clinic, working under some of the best doctors in the country right now, trying to build up the type of clinics for LGBT youth that SF already has. And I can't ask you to derail your career and stop pursuing that amazing goal just because my life suddenly and drastically shifted."

"Let me ask you this," says Deanna hesitantly, "if there was a way somewhere down the road for me to keep pursuing that goal but also spend a couple weeks a month in San Francisco, would I have a place in your life there? And would you be able and willing to come to Chicago with me for weekend events or shows every once and a while?"

Shocked, Stephanie stammers, "I…Dea that sounds like a dream come true, but I have no clue what you're getting at?"

Deanna explains, "Well, you mentioned that what we're trying to set up here in Chicago is something that San Francisco already has, which is completely true. They have Strut and Dimensions and several other amazing centres focusing on LGBT youth and health care. Which is exactly why this could work, if we wanted it to. There are so many things I could learn from the clinics out there. I haven't talked to my boss, Gloria, about it yet, but she has been talking about wanting to learn from other places that have done the same thing. I think in a month or so, once our staffing is a bit more stable, I would probably be able to transition to at least part time work flying to other clinics and learning from them. Gloria has talked about wanting to go visit some places, but she never has the time. I want to talk to her about having a conversation with the SF clinics about forming a type of partnership or mentorship relationship. If we set it up right, I could spend a week or two a month working at one or more clinics there in SF learning from the staff and management. But if we were to do this, keep dating and I'm traveling out to SF, I feel like the only way we can really make it work is if you come here sometimes too. There needs to be balance and--" 

Stephanie cuts Deanna off, "Yeah, I completely get that part. I wouldn't want you to feel like you always have to be the one coming to me. But Dea," Stephanie pauses as she tries to absorb everything she's just heard, "are you serious about all of this? You would do all of that for me?"

Deanna chuckles, "It's not just for you, babe. I mean, yeah, if I can know for sure that you're in the same place as me when it comes to committing to this thing and all of that, I would do pretty much anything to make this work. But I also think having an official partnership with the best and one of the first clinics of this type in the nation would be the best thing for my clinic. You moving to San Francisco and me desperately wanting to still be with you made me think about all of this, but I really do think it would be a great move for the clinic. And while I think Gloria will go for it, I still need to get her on board. And one or more of the SF clinics, obviously. So it's not a done deal by a long shot. But before I could even consider going to Gloria or anyone else with it, I need to know where you stand."

Stephanie has spent the last couples hours going through one of the biggest emotional roller coasters of her life. And she should be exhausted and confused and completely incapable of assessing her own feelings at the moment. But instead, it is one of the clearest moments of her life, only surpassed by that first early morning conversation with Deanna all that time ago.

"Deanna, I want nothing more than to keep you in my life. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so nuts about you. I want you to keep pushing me and challenging me and inspiring me. I want you to meet my family so you can drive them crazy with your brutal but oh-so-necessary insights. I want to be with you. In Chicago. In SF. And everywhere in between and beyond. You're it for me. That's never been more clear than in this moment."

After a long pause where Stephanie knows that Deanna is wiping her eyes and just breathing in the moment, Deanna finally says, "Goddamn, I've never hated being so far away from you as much as I do in this moment." 

"I know, love, I know," Stef says breathlessly. 

"Listen," Stef says, trying to pull herself out of her need to be with Deanna in that moment, "I really do want you to come visit me some weekend soon, but I need to come out to my Dad and everyone else first. How about I come see you next weekend? I'm not sure when my Dad's going to be here next, and I really need us to be together sooner rather than later." 

"Mmmmm," hums Deanna, trying to control her own longing. "You know, this weekend extends to Monday with the holiday right? I've got the money. If you'd let me, I'd love to buy you a ticket here leaving first thing tomorrow morning."

"Oh my god!" Stephanie nearly screams, and then remembers that there are sleeping children two floors up. More quietly, she continues, "let me just text Deej to confirm that she doesn't need me over the next couple days. She should still be awake."

"And if she's not, you better wake her up!" laughs Deanna, the excitement at seeing Stef again rolling off of her in waves. "Text me to let me know what she says. I'm gonna let you go so I can have the flight info all pulled up and ready to go for when you say the word."

"Okay!" Stephanie says excitedly, the whole tone of the conversation having rapidly shifted. "I'm so excited! I really don't even want to leave the loft the entire time I'm there. Are you sure you can afford to fly me out? I don't want this to be a regular thing. You know I like paying my own way." 

"I know," says Deanna, "but we both really need this right now." 

"Yeah, we really do. That's why I'm not even putting up a fight about it. Alright. I love you so so much, baby. I'll text you in a couple minutes." 

"Can't wait, gorgeous," says Deanna, and they both disconnect with giant grins glued to their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: I figured with San Francisco's history, they'd likely have LGBT-focused clinics, so I looked up a couple names to reference in this, but I don't actually know if they're the oldest or most reputable. And I know Chicago has Center on Halsted which I'm sure has great clinic references, or even one in-house. Anyways, point being, no clue if the clinic-partnership story line truly makes sense in the real world, but it did in my story so.... Hope you all liked it! Thanks for reading and commenting.*


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pure fluff, just because. Also some smut, just to see if I could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Pure fluff, just because. Also some smut, just to see if I could. Let me know what you think, but be gentle. I've never written smut before. Also, notice the changed rating. Enjoy.

Stephanie frantically texts DJ as soon as she's hung up the phone with Deanna:

_Please tell me you don't need my help with the kids this weekend.  Or if you do, please tell me you can figure out a backup plan in the next five minutes._  

DJ texts back a few seconds later:

_Ummmm… I don't think I need you.  Kimmy's available as far as I know. What's going on? Everything okay?  Do you need to talk?_

Stef texts back from her room two stories below:

_Everything's great!  I just really need to see Deanna this weekend._

_We just had this really amazing talk and I just really really need to see her ASAP_

DJ laughs at her sister's obvious glee and replies:

_We'll manage without you, somehow.  As long as you promise to let me meet your girl soon. ;-)_

Stephanie smiles, so grateful to be able to be honest with her sister about this huge part of her life.

_I can't wait for you, and everyone else, to meet her.  Hopefully it'll be sooner than you think._

DJ's response is nearly instantaneous:

_Woo! That must've been some talk.  You two are really serious then?  We'll need to talk about some stuff before she can meet everyone, but I am very happy that you have someone, Stef._

Choosing to put aside whatever DJ is trying to imply with the latter portion of the text, Stephanie sends back:

_Thanks Deej.  We'll talk more when I get back, I promise._

Stephanie next texts Deanna the good news, and the two make some rapid travel arrangement decisions.  Once that is all set, Stef texts Dea:

_Babe, I want you so badly right now.  Want to set up our Skypes for a little fun before we go to bed? ;-)_

Deanna takes a couple minutes to respond:

_As much as I'd love nothing more than to see you give me a strip tease over Skype right now, gorgeous, I'm already running around the loft like a crazy person making sure I've got everything ready for tomorrow.  Then I've got to get up early to do a couple work things before I have to pick you up from the airport.  And you've got a crazy early flight!  I wouldn’t want some much needed but not nearly as satisfying as the real thing sexy times to make you miss your alarm, and thus your flight and thus the real thing._

Stef groans:

_Ugh, I hate when you're right.  Fine.  Guess I'll have to take care of this little issue without you. ;-)_

Then quickly follows with:

_Just kidding.  I'll suffer through tonight.  It'll make tomorrow that much more amazing, even if I'm jittery through my whole flight and attack you in the airport bathroom. :-P_

Deanna is loving this whole exchange far more than she should while cleaning her kitchen:

_You're seriously going to kill me one of these days, woman.  Get some sleep.  Don't you dare miss your flight._

_And I'm holding you to that airport bathroom thing, btw._

\---

Early the next morning, Stephanie tries to sneak past a bleary eyed Jackson getting a glass of water. 

"What are you doing up at the butt-crack of dawn, Aunt Stephanie? Last time we saw you before 11am, you almost murdered Max for trying to give you a kiss on the cheek."

Laughing quietly, Stephanie says, "Jackson, only because I'm super happy and trying super hard to not be late, I'm going to not scold you for your language.  Just don't say it around your mom, promise?"

Jackson is confused.  "Of course, Aunt Stef, but what are you talking about.  Why do you have a suitcase? Are you leaving us?"  With each question, Jackson's voice gets progressively louder and more concerned.

 Stef rushes over to cover his mouth.  "Listen, Jackson, your mom will explain more later, I promise.  I'm not leaving-leaving.  Just going away for the weekend.  I'll be back Monday night." 

Still slightly confused, but starting to get tired again, Jackson says, "Okay…where are you going?" 

Getting agitated as she's now gotten three reminder texts from the Uber waiting out front, Stef says, "I'm going to Chicago, bud.  I promise your mom will explain more when she wakes up.  But I really gotta go now or I'll miss my flight and then you'll wish you were just dealing with grouchy-morning-Stephanie…" 

Chuckling at her nephew's grimace, Stephanie grabs her bag and races out the kitchen door, blowing a kiss over her shoulder at her still-stunned and confused nephew.

\----

Just after 11:30 CST, Deanna is waiting anxiously just outside security at O'Hare.  Stephanie's flight landed ten minutes ago, so she's holding her breath every time she sees a streak of blonde hair rounding the corner.

Stephanie, meanwhile, is pissing off dozens of other travelers as she nearly sprints down the long airport corridors, colliding her carry on suitcase into anything and everyone that doesn't get out of her way.  Stef purposely wore the scoop neck tank top with sexy strips cut all across the back that she knows is Deanna's favourite.  It was formerly a t-shirt from the merch table for the band they went to see the first time they got together.  Deanna had to pay her cousin to go see them in northern Virginia just to get the shirt.  The band was up and coming, but apparently wasn't very tech savvy as they didn't list any of their merchandise, other than their albums, online.  Once Dea got the shirt, she altered it into a scoop neck tank with a nearly open back that she knew Stef would love.  She gave it to Stephanie on their three month anniversary, and she loved how sexy Stef looked in it.

They catch each other's eyes at exactly the same moment, and they each have to use every ounce of self-control they have to not sprint past airport security and into each other's arms.  As it is, they make every conservative passerby cringe and everyone else just blush when they finally reach each other. 

Stephanie feels like she can finally breathe again when Deanna wraps her strong arms around her.  She squeezes Deanna as close to her as she can possibly get and just breaths in her intoxicating scent of firewood and nutmeg.  Deanna squeezes back just as hard at first, and then begins peppering kisses all up and down Stephanie's neck, as her hands move slowly under Steph's jacket, splaying her fingers over the skin of Steph's back.  Stef pulls back just enough to turn her head towards Deanna's.  Their lips finally meet and the ember that had been sparked by their conversation the night before suddenly has all the oxygen and fuel it needs to burn the whole airport down. 

After merely seconds, lips are not enough.  They need to taste one another.  Stephanie sticks her tongue out, begging for permission she knows will be immediately granted.  They twirl their tongues together slowly, relishing the feelings and the tastes.  Stephanie pulls on the back of Deanna's neck, trying to get her ever closer.  Deanna has just enough awareness left to hear the chorus of coughs and murmurs of disapproval coming from multiple directions.  She gives Stephanie's tongue one more sensuous swirl before pulling away.

"I bet you need to use the bathroom after that long flight, yeah?" Deanna asks, not even trying to contain her grin.

Still breathing heavily, Stephanie just nods, grabs the handle of her suitcase again with one hand, and allows Deanna to lead her to the nearest restroom by the other.

Although normally Deanna would grumble at any able-bodied person using a handicapped stall when there are plenty of other stalls free, she makes an exception this one time, knowing that she, Stephanie, and Stephanie's rolling suitcase won't fit into a single regular stall.  So she takes a quick glance around to make sure no one is directly watching them as they enter, and pulls Stef into the stall, backing up to an empty space to the left of the toilet and beckoning Stephanie to come towards her, eyes glued to Stephanie's ample cleavage, now covered in a thin sheen of sweat only partly due to her run through the airport terminals.  Not needing any more encouragement, Stephanie leaves her bag behind the door to further obstruct any view, and collides her body with her girlfriend's.  For a few brief seconds, they just breath in each other's closeness.  Stephanie picks Deanna's hands up and interlaces their fingers at shoulder level while they gaze into each other's eyes, every inch of their bodies connected, except their lips.

And then, as if on cue, their lips and tongues and teeth collide.  This isn't sensuous, passionate, and slow like earlier.  It is hungry and raw and absolutely dripping with sex.  Deanna's hands drop to Stephanie's hips, squeezing momentarily before bringing her left hand up slowly along Stephanie's side, then around to cup her full breast through her shirt.  Stephanie moans into the kiss and pulls Deanna's right leg up to hook it on her hip.  Stef then traces the contours of Deanna's shapely legs with her nails until she reaches Dea's ass, which she squeezes, pulling their groans into glorious contact.  They both moan a little too loudly and hear another occupant of the airport bathroom cough.  This time, it is Stephanie who breaks out of the spell. 

"As much as I want to fuck you up against this wall right now," she whispers into Deanna's ear, kissing her neck between every other word, "I think we should probably stop until we get home."

Groaning as she lowers her leg, Deanna says, "you're right."  Leaning in to kiss Stephanie again, this time slow and sensual.  Deanna pulls just a millimeter away and whispers, "Plus I really, really need to feel your wetness pressed up against mine."  This time Stephanie closes the distance for another sensual kiss, tongues slowly swirling for just a few seconds.  Deanna pulls away again, this time far enough for both of their eyes to focus, and whispers, "I want to look into your eyes as I make love to you."  Dea rests her forehead against Stephanie's and finishes, "And we can't really do that in a bathroom stall, unfortunately."

With that, Stephanie pushes off from the wall behind Deanna with both hands, walks backwards to the stall door, not breaking eye contact with Deanna until she has her suitcase in one hand and has unlatched the stall door with the other.    With a wink and a sinful sway to her hips, Stephanie turns and exits the stall, leaving Deanna's mouth dry as she rushes to follow after only a couple seconds to make sure the path is relatively clear.

Hand-in-hand, they make their way out to the parking garage to Deanna's waiting car.  With her suitcase loaded in the trunk, Stephanie gets into the passenger seat and just stares at Deanna for a long minute before asking, "You purposely parked in an out of the way corner because you knew we'd make a scene or two in the airport and wanted to avoid another one in the parking garage, didn't you?"

Laughing heartily, Deanna just nods before grabbing Stephanie by the neck and pulling her in for another passionate kiss.  Deanna pulls away for a second to mutter, "I missed you," before continuing to nibble on Stephanie's lower lip.  Stephanie breaks away and starts kissing Deanna's neck, sticking her tongue out to flick over the most sensitive spots.  "Mmmmm," Deanna hums.  "I missed that."  Stephanie pulls back to say, "I missed everything.  Now let's hurry and get home so we can rediscover everything we've been missing."  They kiss one last time, full of promise and expectation, before settling back into their respective seats, hands entwined once more.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephanie returns to SF and drama, laughs, and angst ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: This chapter turned out fairly angsty. But lots of love and some funny parts. Because Kimmy can't help but be ridiculous. Hope you enjoy!

As Deanna and Stephanie make their way back to the airport after brunch on Monday, they discuss plans for Deanna coming to visit San Francisco.  Stef would still prefer to be out to her whole family before bringing Dea home to meet everyone, but they decide that going weeks on end without seeing each other is simply a recipe for angst.  Thus they make plans for Deanna to fly to SF two weekends later, deciding that if Stephanie hasn't had all the necessary discussions by then, then Dea will just stay in a hotel and Stef will show her girlfriend around her beloved home city.  They agree that it's about time Stef visits the Castro District and truly finds her roots in SF.

Their goodbyes, while sad, are positively brimming with hope and anticipation of a future that they finally know will be together.

\---

DJ had ended up telling the kids and Kimmy that Stephanie went back to Chicago to take care of some things with her sublet loft there that had suddenly come up.  During the flight home, Stephanie mulls this excuse over.  Why couldn't Deej have just said she was visiting a friend?  She also lets her mind finally return to DJ's text comment before Stef had left for her whirlwind trip.  What does DJ need to talk to her about before Deanna is "allowed" to meet everyone?  That's not exactly the way DJ had worded it, but that was the clear impression Stephanie got.  Stephanie knows it's not about Dea meeting Danny or Kimmy or any of the other adults in the family.  No.  DJ needs to talk to Stephanie before she's allowed to introduce her girlfriend to the kids.  While Stephanie's mind churns through the different possible meanings behind this vague but imposing statement, her heart reminds her to be gracious and patient, as DJ had asked her to be just days prior. 

And while Stephanie knows that this whole thing has been or will be a big mental adjustment for all the adults in the family, she also knows that, with kids, it's rarely that difficult.  Most kids haven't been indoctrinated enough to know that there's some big adjustment happening.  They just accept the world as it's presented to them.  Jackson is old enough that he might ask a couple questions, but Stephanie seriously doubts that he'll have any issues beyond whether Deanna can offer him cool presents, skills, or connections.  Max and baby Tommy will both just accept the new reality when it comes to their Aunt Stephanie.  Because that's the way kids are.  Unless they are taught to be otherwise.  So what does DJ need to talk to her about?  She has a feeling that, no matter what it is, it can't be good.

\---

Stephanie gets home right as dinner is being served on Monday, and she's a little nervous that everyone is going to pepper her with questions about her trip that she won't really be able to answer while still respecting DJ's request.  She's surprised to find that beyond some enthusiastic "welcome homes" and "we missed yous" from the kids, everyone is basically pretending her trip never happened.  While Stef wants to feel grateful that she won't have to lie or evade questions, she begins to have a very uneasy feeling about it all.

While the kids go off to finish homework or play, Stephanie volunteers herself and Kimmy to clear the table and do the dishes.  Kimmy's about to protest, but Stephanie manages to silence her with a pleading look.  DJ protests mildly, but Stephanie says she deserves to go put her feet up for a few minutes before the kids come looking for homework help.  Although DJ seems hesitant, she accepts the offer and goes to sit on the porch swing for a few minutes.

After they finish clearing the table, Stephanie and Kimmy take up their places washing and drying the dishes respectively.  Kimmy looks at Stef questioningly and is about to ask what's going on in the most annoying way possible, so Stephanie cuts her off with a blunt question, "What did Stephanie tell you about my trip?"

Kimmy looks confused, but answers, "Just that you had some stuff to tie up with your old loft.  That it came up all the sudden, and then she said that you're kind of upset to have to let the place go so not to ask you too many questions about it.  Why?  Isn't that the truth?"

Stef laughs ruefully, "Not even remotely."  Stef grabs the drying rag out of Kimmy's hands for a second to wipe the soapy water off of her own, before leaning on the counter with her hip so she can face Kimmy fully. 

"I went back because I needed to reconnect with my girlfriend, Deanna, after coming out as gay to DJ after getting back from Euphoria the other night," Stephanie rushes out in one long breath.

Kimmy just stares at Stephanie, slack jawed for a full minute.  Stephanie starts to wonder if she should say something else or at least take the dish rag back out of Kimmy's hands to finish up drying the few remaining dishes.

Then Kimmy seems to snap out of it all at once.  With a giant grin, she starts pointing at Stephanie, jumping up and down as she mock screams, "I knew you always had a thing for me! I knew it! You looooved me!!"

"How rude!" Stephanie mock shouts back, all while grinning like the Cheshire cat.  She can't deny that she'd had a thing for Kimmy off and on over the years.  But she'd never outright admit that to her annoying former-neighbour-turned-housemate.

When they finally stop laughing, Kimmy has one of her rare sincere moments, "No, but seriously, Stef, I'm happy for you.    And don't let DJ's left over weirdness from Tommy stop you from living your best life, okay?"  And before Stef can even respond, Kimmy immediately switches back to her normal ridiculous persona, "Now show me a picture of this hot muffin that made you lose focus on Kimberlicious." 

So genuinely grateful for Kimmy's unquestioning support and encouragement, Stephanie obliges and shows Kimmy her new favourite picture of Deanna, looking incredibly peaceful in profile with the sun setting slowly behind her over Lake Michigan.  Her eyes are closed, head is tilted back, and a contented grin that she couldn't contain that entire day graces her features.  They had spent most of the afternoon and early evening on Sunday on a secluded portion of Chicago's long stretch of beaches.  Stephanie had been reclining against Deanna, just watching the sunset together, when she'd looked over her shoulder and seen the look on Dea's face.  She'd told Deanna to not move, and she rushed to grab her phone and position herself a few feet to Deanna's left to capture the moment.  Thankfully, Dea had long ago stopped questioning Stephanie's random orders, as a questioning look or word would, in Stephanie's words, ruin whatever picturesque moment or expression she was trying to capture.  So she's resumed sitting there contentedly, all the while missing Stephanie's comforting presence leaning against her, knowing that the better she stayed in the same position, with the same expression, the sooner Stephanie would return to her arms.  And so Stephanie had been able to capture the gorgeous shot, conveying so much of who Deanna is: quiet strength, mischievous passion, and, above all, peace.  Deanna lives her life at complete peace with who she is and what she wants and how she will get there.  It is the thing the drew Stephanie to her the most at the very beginning, and that solid confidence and quiet strength still entices her every single day.  And this picture conveys all of that and more.

Stephanie is broken from her thoughts by Kimmy's characteristic lack-of-filter, "Oh, I see!  You, too, needed to find someone of a darker flavour than the Tanner and Gibbler households could provide."

Laughing some more, Stephanie shakes her head as she responds, "While I think branching out of this lily-white bubble is great, Deanna is way more than just an 'exotic flavour.'  She's no Fernando, that's for sure."  
  
"Ugh, don't even talk to me about Fernando right now," Kimmy scoffs.  "So how was the reconnecting, did you even make it out of the 'problem loft' the entire trip."

As waves of sensual memories in that very loft wash over her, Stephanie almost forgets to respond.  Kimmy catches her and is about to call her on it, when Stephanie says, "Yes!  We went to the beach yesterday.  That's where I took that picture," Stephanie holds up her phone again, defensively. 

"Okay, well what about the rest of the weekend, let me see," Kimmy says as she snatches the phone out of Stephanie's hand and scrolls through the other pictures Stephanie took that weekend, all of which were indeed taken in the Chicago loft, and in only some of which Deanna was fully clothed.  Nothing improper was visible, but it was obvious from at least a few of the pictures that they were in bed together and not wearing a stitch of clothing.

"Give that back, Gibbler!" Stephanie shouts as she wrestles the cell back from Kimmy's hands as they both giggle profusely.

At that moment, Max comes sprinting down the stairs, frantically asking where his mom is so she can help him with his science fair project.  Hearing both the shouting and Max's frantic plea, DJ returns from the back yard and gives her sister and Kimmy a quizzical look before following her middle boy up the stairs to his room to inspect the project.

\---

Later that night, after all three boys are in bed, Kimmy suggests they crack open a bottle of wine and talk.  Both Stef and DJ look at her questioningly, but she just says that she needs some more she-wolf pack time.  Stephanie obliges and offers to grab a bottle from the basement while DJ grabs the glasses; Stef has a feeling that Kimmy is setting her and DJ up for a classic Tanner heart-to-heart.  Stephanie doesn't know if she's going to feel like hugging it out at the end of this one, though.

After they've all settled in their seats in the living room and had a couple mouthfuls of wine, Kimmy broaches the silence with some more of her characteristic bluntness, "So.  Stephanie plays for team Sappho.   DJ, you knew that she was going away this weekend to reconnect with said Sapphic paramour, and yet you spun some story about weirdly painful sublet issues. What gives?"

While momentarily stunned by Kimmy's question, DJ quickly becomes defensive and addresses Stephanie directly, "Well, Stef, I just figured you'd want to tell everyone on your own terms, and it was the first thing I thought of when Jackson asked me where you had gone at the break of dawn."

Stephanie, not really mentally prepared for this conversation, but knowing it needs to happen, won't accept DJ's excuse in full, "Deej, that's fine for the kids.  I told Jackson you'd explain and hadn't really given you another backstory to go with.  I knew you wanted us to talk before I said anything to them, so I left that in your hands because I figured that's how you would want it.  But you didn't have to try and pass the same ridiculous story off on Kimmy."  
  
DJ cuts Stephanie off, "I figured you'd want to tell her yourself.  I didn't want to, you know, 'out' you or whatever." 

Stephanie turns it back on DJ, "But you didn't ask me!  If you had, I would've told you to just have Kimmy call me or even to just tell her that I'm visiting a friend and I'd tell her more about it later.  I came back here to stop hiding, not to go from evading certain questions to perpetuating outright lies.  I'm not into that.  And it's really not cool for you to force that on me."

DJ just hangs her head, unsure what to say.  Stephanie takes a deep breath, knowing that she needs to have the other half of this discussion or it'll just keep eating away at her.  She tries to remember what she promised DJ the other day, as she continues, "Look, Deej, I know you asked me to be gracious with you.  And I'm trying, here, I am.  But we need to make one thing perfectly clear right up front: you can't make decisions for me for your own comfort.  You can't control when and how I tell people or what I say to them in the meantime.  And, yeah, you have the most important say when it comes to your own kids, obviously.  But I'm also their Aunt.  Their flesh and blood, and Deej, I won't lie to them.  I won't back up things I know in my gut are wrong and hurtful and prejudiced.  I love you DJ, and I'd do almost anything for you.  But I won't do that.  I can't."

With tears streaming down her face, DJ says, "Tommy and I promised each other we would raise our kids a certain way.  It was very important to him that they were taught traditional, Christian values.  He made me promise that if anything ever happened to him, I would keep bringing them to his church and keep teaching them the types of things that he would've taught them."

Kimmy interjects, "D.J., we all loved Tommy.  He was an amazing dad and an incredible, courageous person.  But, on this, he was wrong.  And I know that you know that it's wrong to perpetuate dying prejudices in honour of a dead man."  DJ looks mortified by Kimmy's bluntness, but she presses on, "You're smart enough to know that the belief systems that led Tommy to his homophobic stances have been interpreted and changed countless times over the years to justify and then condemn dozens of different practices.  I know you're not blind enough to ignore the dozens of different interpretations of the few verses in the Christian Bible that seem to directly relate to queer relations.  Tommy may have willfully ignored sound logic and reasoning on this because he was indoctrinated as a kid.  But you weren't! The Tanners were always Christmas and Easter Christians.  My family went to church more than yours, for Pete's sake!  Do you really want to raise your three beautiful, loving boys to be the same type of indoctrinated people who won't listen to logic and reasoning and, most importantly, love?"

DJ is sobbing by this point, unable to wrap her head around the truth in Kimmy's words while it's still aching with the weight of her promise to her late husband.  Stephanie looks at her big sister with equal parts pain and compassion.  She knows her sister feels like she's torn between her love for Tommy and her love for her sister.  Stephanie's so grateful for everything Kimmy had said as it was way more direct than what Stephanie would've been able to muster in that moment, without becoming overly accusatory.  She catches Kimmy's eye and mouths a silent "thank you" as her respect for the woman grows tenfold.  Kimmy just nods before they both return their gazes to DJ, who has her face buried in her hands as she just shakes her head as a silent war is waged behind her overflowing eyes.

"DJ, I know you need time to process all of this.  And…I can't force you to change your own beliefs.  I just…I guess I just ask that you'd let your sons, my nephews, come to their own conclusions about this topic. If they ask you, tell them where you stand, even tell them where their dad stood, they have a right to know that.  But can you also make clear to them that they have to decide for themselves what they believe."  Stef worded the last statement as a question but said it as a statement.  She knows that this is the only right way to handle this situation if DJ still chooses to stand by the beliefs that she chose to take on as her own with her wedding vows.

DJ looks up, seeing the light in Stephanie's request, but still feeling unsure.  She asks, "What does that look like?"  
  
"Well," Stephanie begins, "first it looks like me being honest with them.  I want to tell Dad first because I don't want him finding out from the kids, but once that's done, I want to tell them.  Deanna's coming here to visit two weekends from now.  Assuming I've told Dad before them, I'd love to introduce them to her as my girlfriend.  Let them meet her and interact with us together.  They can ask any questions they want of us, and I'd appreciate it if you'd let me and Deanna answer them for ourselves without any interjections or alternate explanations from you.  Then later, if they want to come to you with any questions, you can answer those questions in whatever way you see fit.  As long as you make clear to them that they can decide for themselves what they believe."

"I'll think about it," DJ croaks through her tear clogged throat. 

Kimmy, notorious for her lack of tact, pushes, "You can do better than that, Deej.  What's there to think about?  Stef isn't even asking you to change your own convictions.  Just to let your kids have some agency."

Stephanie casts a curious glance in Kimmy's direction at the use of the term "agency."  It was a term she'd become very familiar with since she'd met Deanna and really immersed herself in feminist literature and worldviews.  But it wasn't something she'd expected to hear talked about in this world, except by herself maybe.  She made a mental note to talk with Kimmy some more.  She had clearly also lived a whole lifetime apart from the bubble they'd both grown up in.

DJ had clearly never heard the term before and cast a confused and questioning look first at Kimmy then, when she didn't seem forthcoming with an explanation, at her sister.  Stef offered quietly, "It's basically a person's ability to think and act for themselves."

"Oh," says DJ, clearly thinking hard about the term and its implications.  "Where's the line between guiding a kid to see what's right for themselves, like Dad and everyone used to always do for us, and taking away a kids…agency?"  DJ says hesitantly, clearly trying out the word and its underlying concept, testing its limits.

Stephanie thinks for a minute and then offers, "Dad, Joey, and Jesse weren't always perfect at it.  But for the most part, they just helped us look at things from other people's perspectives.  Or shared how they viewed things.  In my opinion, you take away a kid's, or anyone's for that matter, agency when you tell them a certain viewpoint or way of doing this is right just because.  Or even offer your explanation while not offering them any openings to look at things a different way.  If you just tell them, this is wrong because the Bible says so and here's the verse or verses I'm looking at, that's denying any possibility of another way of looking at things.  That's different than saying this is what I believe and I look at these verses this way, but other people do see them differently.  You don't have to say anything about the validity or fallacy of those other beliefs.  Just leave the door open and don't talk about your own with absolute righteousness."

"But how far are you willing to go with that moral grey area?  Are you willing to say, I think murder is wrong, here's my reasons why, but other people think it's A-Okay?" DJ asks, her temper starting to rise.

Kimmy chimes in, "Sure.  Why not?  If you have an actual, sincere discussion with Jackson where you discuss the actual reasons why you believe murder is wrong, from the Bible to the value of human life to the golden rule.  And then at the end of it, you say, that's where I stand on murder.  There are some people out there who don't look at it that way.  Even if you don't go into psychology or talk about serial killer pathology or anything like that, do you really think Jackson would come away from an actual, serious discussion thinking, huh, mom thinks it might be okay for me to choose murder?  Do you have that little faith in your own kids' logic and compassion?"

Kimmy lets the question linger in the air.  Stephanie takes a less extreme approach, "Look Deej, Kimmy's right that giving a kid agency doesn't mean they're going to have zero morals.  The idea of a 'moral gray' area being unacceptable, when you really think about it, shows a complete lack of faith in humanity.  Mental and psychologically healthy people, no matter their age, can and do figure out right from wrong every single day.  And that right from wrong isn't always universal.  It's perfectly right for the three of us to be sitting here drinking our way through a bottle or two of wine in one night.  But three alcoholic friends sit down with these same bottles and it's a very different story.  People make personal judgment calls every day about right and wrong, and not all of them can or should be guided by a book written millennia ago, divinely inspired or otherwise.  And the more you grow up and have to adult, the more you have to make every day judgment calls.  Don't you think it's better to start that reasoning process early?  And, yeah, you can and should guide kids on certain things.  Help them see that the easiest way isn't always the best way.  Show them why it matters to think about others.  All that stuff is crucial to raising good, compassionate kids.  But none of that requires indoctrinating them with a very specific belief system and telling them that it should not be questioned because it is unequivocally 'right.'"  Stephanie forces herself to stop, knowing that if she hadn't felt ganged up on already,  DJ probably does by now. 

Taking a breath, Stephanie offers, "Look, we can talk more about this now if you want, but I have a feeling you want to take some time to think and just process.  I didn't mean to push you this hard all at once.  Although I am glad it's all out there now.  Just…let me know what you want right now."

Taking a few deep breaths, DJ feels completely adrift.  She had become moored to Tommy's belief system, and she still clings to it now, less out of personal conviction and more out of a feeling of belonging, easy answers, and most importantly, a continued closeness with her late husband.  She is terrified that if she let go of these convictions that she adopted from him, she'll lose that connection. 

Not knowing if her sister and best friend can understand, DJ knows she has to try, "I just…I know on some level that you're right.  Everything you're saying makes sense and rings true in part of my heart.  But the other part, the part that feels closest to Tommy when I sit in his favourite pew with our sons at his childhood church, the part that only feels whole when I read his well-worn Bible worries that, if I let go of this, if I choose to turn my back on this part of his belief system and his wishes for how our sons should be raised, that I'll lose that connection.  And I know I've mourned and I'm even starting to date again and I'm doing really well in a lot of areas, but he'll always be the true other parent to my boys.  And he'll always be the love of my life…"  At this, DJ falters and the tears again flow freely, but this time she doesn't bury her head in her hands.  She simply looks deep into her sisters' eyes, pleading with her to understand.

Stephanie immediately gets up from her seat and moves to sit next to DJ and hold her.  "Shhhh," she comforts as DJ sobs.  Kimmy sits down on DJ's other side and rubs soothing circles on her best friend's back.  Kimmy offers, "Honey, I don't think your connection to Tommy can ever be diminished.  Even if you thumbed your nose at all his most strongly held beliefs, and you know why?"  "Why?" DJ croaks, clearly ready to disbelieve whatever Kimmy says next.  "Because of those three beautiful boys asleep upstairs.  Tommy's courage and his smile and his compassion and his eyes and his very soul shines through in each of them.  How could you ever doubt that he'll always be with you?"

DJ's best friends just hold her as she nods and cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Okay, so I have at least two more chapters prepared for after this one. The fateful showdown with Danny is already written. I'm just trying to decide on a transition to that. Not sure how much more material I have for after that though. Let me know. Do you folks want me to keep going with life post-Stephanie coming out to everyone? If not, this will probably end up being 13 chapters long, give or take.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephanie faces internal turmoil during the events of Season 1, Episode 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: I'm so happy to finally get to this chapter! This was actually the original idea I had for the story; I just knew I had to do a bunch of set up before getting here. I knew I wanted Stef to come out to DJ before anyone else. It just wouldn't have felt natural otherwise. But I got stuck on knowing what to do with DJ. Anyways. I hope you like it. Let me know either way.*

It all started with a couch.

There were a thousand different scenarios that Stephanie had imagined for how she would come out to her dad. None of them even remotely contemplated having a massive breakdown over her dad's objections to re-upholstering a stupid couch. And she definitely didn't imagine a goofy early father's day present would lead to a one-sided screaming match.

As DJ is dealing with the usual family hijinks surrounding who is to blame for causing some disaster around the house, Stephanie figured she'd make herself useful and took it upon herself to clean up the originating mess. This time, it was a couch with giant tears and a whole lot of missing filling. Just as Stephanie is making a mental list of all the stores and online retailers she wants to check for a fun and more modern upholstery for the old family couch, her dad arrives and spots the eye sore. Stephanie should've predicted his reaction, but it had been a while since she'd personally witnessed Danny's not-so-internal meltdowns over changes in housekeeping, decoration, or furnishings of the classic row house. So even though she played it off as an acceptable and expected reaction at the time, internally, her dad's dramatics at the loss of the old couch set her more than a little off balance. Later that day, when she'd picked out new upholstery and scheduled the refurbishing company to come pick up the couch, Danny's tantrum grew worse. He eyed the fabric she had selected with only mildly disguised horror. All because the family couch, with its years of stains and crusted on memories, was going to change ever so slightly.

After reassuring her dad that it would be okay, Stephanie retreated to her room to try and figure out what the hell had just happened. The couch itself would still be there. It was just going to look a little different. And Danny was having some type of grown-ass-man crises over it. On some level, Stef knows that she really shouldn't care about her dad's weird OCD tendency towards to all things housekeepinging related. She knows that his obsession with cleanliness and order doesn't necessarily extend to personal life choices and even big changes. But it still makes her internally fume.

Stephanie thinks about calling Deanna. But voicing it all just seems so silly. Why should her dad being bummed about having to change the old family couch fill her with so much angst? Thinking about it from an outsider perspective, she knows how ridiculous the whole scenario is. Still feeling like she needs to talk to someone about it, Stephanie shoots a quick text to Michelle:

_The old couch got torn apart right before Dad showed up for a visit… He's reacting as you might expect. I don't know if I can do this…_

Within minutes, Michelle texts back:

_I can just imagine. I love the guy, but he does not know how to let things go._

A few minutes later, Michelle sends three messages in quick succession:

_Hey, here's an idea: maybe use it as a jumping board? Show him how beautiful the new upholstery is and how great change can be. Say the couch just didn't feel free till it got its new look. Idk. Maybe there's something there._

_Or just go the complete opposite and embrace his ridiculousness. I know a tailor in SF that loves making cheesy blazers out of random scrap material. ;-P_

_She'd probably do it for free if you drop my name._

Laughing, because of course Michelle knows someone like that, Stephanie shoots back:

_OMG, dad would love that! And hey, maybe the laughter will get rid of my angst for a while…_

Seconds later, Michelle texts:

_It won't get rid of it, I can promise you that. But it should give you time to find a moment when he's not at peak OCD nostalgia to bring it up._

So that's just what Stephanie does. She throws herself into the project, deciding it'd be the perfect early Father's day gift. It's not like she could afford a non-gag gift right now anyways. After she explains the project idea to Karma, the tailor Michelle sent her to, the spiky haired girl gets a twinkle in her eye. "What's that look for?" Stephanie asks the quirky girl behind the counter. "You're never going to believe this! Hold on a sec," she shouts over her shoulder as she dashes to the back of the shop, weaving her way between the strangest collection of furniture and clothing from the past four decades that Stephanie has ever seen.

When she comes back a few minutes later, Karma slams a whole bolt of fabric down on the counter in front of Stef. The fabric is an exact match for the old family couch. Stef stands there, open mouthed. "How? What?" she stammers. Karma chuckles, "Your sister. She overnighted this to me. The note just said something about holding onto it for her, that I'd know when I need it."

Laughing, Stephanie says, "of course she did. Good thing I still have the couch specs saved on my phone…" Stef makes a quick phone call, making sure the furniture rehab place doesn't start applying the new fabric she picked out yet and letting them know they'd get a different fabric in a day or two. At Stephanie's questioning look, Karma nods that it'll be enough time.

_You're ridiculous_ , Stef texts to Michelle as she leaves the eclectic shop.

_You love me_ , Michelle responds nearly immediately.

As Stephanie drives back to her childhood house, her chuckles slowly fade as she remembers not just the happy memories and the many, many pep talks on that couch. She also remembers the times she sat on that same couch just a little closer than absolutely necessary to Gia, her best friend throughout most of high school. She remembers the tears cried on that couch when Gia suddenly disappeared from her life, with no explanation that the Tanners could understand. Stephanie never let her family see those tears of course. Many more of them were shed in her bed than on that couch. Mostly, Stephanie remembers what happened on that couch to cause Gia's departure and the subsequent tears.

Of course, everyone in the family asked a few times why Gia never came around anymore, but Stephanie always just said some variation of them having different interests or hanging out with different crowds. She never told them the truth, never told them that she had finally confessed to Gia that the real reason she didn't want to go out again with some boy who had stood her up was because she was never really interested in him in the first place. She only went out with him to make Gia happy, because it's what Gia wanted her to do. And that she'd do anything that Gia wanted. Stephanie didn't come right out and say everything she was thinking or feeling. She didn't have the words for it yet. But Gia knew where she was going with it. Stephanie will never forget the looks that crossed Gia's face. First the confusion as to what Stephanie was getting at with her ramblings, then the look of triumph when she finally unscrambled what Stephanie was saying. But that triumphant face evaporated almost instantaneously. It was replaced by a furrowed brow and eyes so stormy that Stephanie can never decide what exactly she was trying to convey. She just knew it wasn't good. It was somewhere between bafflement and disgust and ridicule.

Everything snapped in that one moment. On that couch. Gia rushed out after muttering that she had no clue what Stephanie was talking about. Stephanie sat on that couch and cried her way through a tearful voicemail for Gia to listen to when she got home. Stef sobbed that she didn't mean it like that, that she just really liked hanging out as friends. But Gia never returned the call. The obvious sobbing probably didn't help in making Gia believe her, of course. But looking back on it all these years later, Stephanie knows that Gia never would have believed any future denials regarding her confession. Gia knew her too well, could see the truth and the love and devotion in Stephanie's eyes as her heart poured its way out, making a permanent impression on that ridiculous couch that Danny clung to so hard. And while the upholstery would now technically be new, the fact that it would still look exactly the same made it hurt all the more. In fact, the memory wouldn't be faded and distant any more. The vibrancy of the new fabric, the brighter whites and crisper blues would make the couch seem all the more identical to the couch on which Stephanie had made that fateful confession. Stephanie feared that, seeing the couch as it had been on that day would spiral her back into that same mental state, would erase all the work she'd done, all the self-definition and self-acceptance and self-love.

\---

When she revealed the couch to her dad and gave him the early father's day present when both were completed a few days later, Stephanie's smile was plastered on. She'd been nervous and agitated while waiting for them to be ready. She mentally kicked Michelle for pushing the ridiculous joke that one step further. The jacket alone would have been one thing. It wouldn't have rubbed up against these scars that Stef thought were long-healed. She can't quite understand why Michelle, the one person who understands so viscerally both what Stephanie is going through and the dynamics of the family situation, would think that this was a good idea.

After Danny's predictably overjoyed reaction to the gifts, he was called upstairs to help with whatever was going on with the kids at that moment. Stephanie had to admit that she wasn't even quite sure what the current family drama was. She had been so wrapped up in her own mental fog brought on by that goddamn couch that she had zoned out of everything else going on in the house over the past several days.

While she was thinking all of this, Stephanie unconsciously sank down onto the exact spot on the couch she had been sitting when Gia had torn her heart out with that fateful look. She rubbed the fabric questioningly, searching her memory bank for some distinction between the way the couch felt on that day and how it feels now. But as hard as she tries, Stephanie can't remember a single sensory experience from that day. She doesn't remember how the couch felt, what Gia or the couch or the rest of the house smelled or sounded like on that day. Stephanie realizes with a start that she doesn't even clearly remember what that oh-so-crucial expression on Gia's face actually looked like on that day. She remembers how she interpreted it and how she'd felt afterwards. But Stephanie can't actually re-create the image in her mind's eye.

And that's what pisses Stephanie off. She can't remember a single sensory thing about that crucial day in her personal history. And yet Danny wants the world frozen in that moment.

Stephanie can't even think rationally anymore. She hears Danny puttering around the kitchen after dealing with whatever kid-related drama had called him upstairs. Stephanie storms her way through the kitchen door, takes one look at her dad still wearing that ridiculous blazer made out of the tear soaked couch she can't even remember anymore, and just starts screaming.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephanie confronts Danny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note: I usually don’t post an update till I have the next one or two chapters written and ready to be edited so I can make sure they flow well.  I’m not doing that this time because I haven’t had the time to sit down and write the next chapter and I didn’t want to leave you all with that cliffhanger ending.  So here you go.  It might be a little while before I can update again.  In the meantime (and as always) I appreciate your feedback so much.

"You know, Dad, sometimes things are going to change! Not everything in this world always fits into your perfect predictable privileged little bubble!" Stephanie begins, barely even registering the shocked expression on Danny's face as she begins her tirade.

"You come in here, to this old house and expect everything to remain exactly the same, all the time!  The upstairs blankets have to stay upstairs!  The guest towels have to be perfectly laid out on the corner of each bed when guests are here.  And don't you dare use the guest towels for non-guests!  Every plant, every picture, every rug has to be in exactly the right spot.  Keep the patio furniture in the exact same positions they've been in since the '80s, and whatever you do, you better not change the couch in the living room, no matter how outdated and encrusted the old monstrosity is!"

Completely flabbergasted, Danny tries to cut in, "What are you talking about, Stef? I didn't ask you to…" 

Stephanie cuts her father off, nowhere near done, "and it's not just the furniture and the towels and the decorations!  You want every single member of this family to stay exactly the same!  You want Michelle to come back here and still run around saying, 'You got it, dude!' like an adorable five year old!  But guess what, Dad, Michelle is all grown up now!  And doesn't fit in this world anymore.  She runs a fashion empire that you don't even try to understand, because it would confuse your simple little comfortable world."  
  
"You've lived in San Francisco, one of the most diverse, liberal areas of the country for my entire life.  We grew up just miles away from the Rodney King killing and riots, this massive national news story that put the whole nation in a panic.  Everyone was taking sides.  Yet we never even mentioned it in this house!  You had a news show and never mentioned how historic it was when Willie Brown became the first black mayor of SF. 

"I never once heard the name Harvey Milk in this house or from your lips.  I once heard you do a story on George Moscone and the whole 'Twinkie defense' narrative, but you never even said Harvey Milk's name!  I've gone back and re-watched the tape.  You said 'a San Francisco supervisor from the Castro district was also killed.'"  Stephanie takes a long pause and just glares at Danny, who is still looking completely bewildered by this attack.

"You couldn't even say his name, Dad.  Harvey Milk.  You didn't have to even go into everything he was famous for in that story.  But you couldn't even say his name!  Why is that?  Did his acting up make him unacceptable to you?  Was he too in your face?  Or was it the simple fact that your nice predictable world can't fit with the notion that someone might love someone of the same gender?  Does that mess with your view of the world?  Does it make you uncomfortable?  Or is it just talking about fraught issues that makes you uncomfortable?

"I remember live-streaming your show in the weeks after Oscar Grant was killed.  And again when the trial was happening.  And then the protests following the verdict.  I wanted to know what my dad thought about what was happening in my hometown.  I knew our family didn't normally talk about hard topics, but I figured, in a news show, with it being this national news that the entire country is obsessing over and it happened right in your hometown, you had to say something, no matter how banal.  But no!  Not a single word!  It's like, in your safe little bubble, nothing had happened!  A boy, barely older than a teenager, was shot and killed by a police officer who claimed he was trying to stun him.  But not a peep from you.  Even now, after Ferguson and everything going on with Black Lives Matter, I've never heard you say any of the names.  Trayvon Martin.  Michael Brown.  LaQuan MacDonald.  Tamir Rice.  Levar Jones.  Eric Garner.  Freddie Gray.  Walter Scott.  Sandra Bland.  And that's just off the top of my head!  I know I'm missing so many more that have made national headlines.   And that's not even talking about the ones that didn’t."

Realizing her rant has gotten focused on something different than what she actually wants to be talking about, Stephanie pauses to re-focus.  Danny is still just looking at Stephanie confusedly as she continues, "Every time some major social issue was happening, no matter where I was in the world, I always found a way to live stream your show.  I was constantly sitting and waiting for you to say something, anything, to show me that you did see, even just the littlest bit, outside of your safe, privileged little world.

"June 26, 2015 should have been one of the happiest days of my life.  I was home, do you remember?  I was asked to spin at an SF club for a pride event.  I remember telling you what the event was a few weeks prior and you just acted like you didn't hear it.  Just said you'd be happy to see me and never asked me anything else about it.  But then I heard the news the morning I was going to be flying in.  Friday, June 26, 2015.  I will never forget the day.  The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage across the country in one fell swoop.  I was sitting at an airport bar having breakfast while I waited for my flight when the decision came down.  I saw it flash across the screen in front of me and immediately asked the bar tender if they carried your channel.  He switched it for me and I saw the ticker announce the news at the bottom of the screen.  You were just wrapping up some cooking segment and the next segment was some filler piece about how much the baby hippo at the SF zoo had grown in the month since it'd been born.  I saw the tell-tale sign of your producer talking in your ear while you pretended to listen to whatever Aunt Becky was saying.  But you didn't say anything!  You just tapped your pen once to acknowledge you understood.  And then tapped it twice a couple seconds later when I know your producer asked you if you wanted to break in and announce the news.  You tapped your pen twice!  Because, no thank you, you'd actually rather not announce that hundreds of thousands of people across the country who couldn't get married before now can," Stephanie spits out sarcastically, before continuing.

"Almost a year later, June 12, 2016 was one of the worst days of my life.  The Orlando shooting happened in the early hours of that Sunday morning.  I walked around the entire day in a fog.  I cancelled my gigs that night and waited for someone to come over to my hotel.  I knew I couldn't make it through the night alone.  We watched the news together all night.  When I woke up the next morning, my laptop was already tuned in to your show, as it is every morning.  Aunt Becky made a statement at the top of the show. Nothing special.  Just a generic, 'Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their loved ones.'  And then she walked back over to where you were behind the desk.  And nothing else was said about it throughout the entire show.  You couldn't even bring yourself to stand next to her while she read the statement!"

"It was watching your show that made me cry harder, made me feel more hopeless and alone than any other news coverage or specials I've watched since Orlando.  And I've watched dozens of hours of coverage and specials about it.  Dad, your silence, it's fucking deafening,"  Stephanie says in defeat.  She's no longer screaming by this point.  Just shaking and holding back defeated tears.  Perhaps it's Stephanie's use of a curse word in front of him that breaks Danny out of his stupor.  Perhaps it’s the careful way Stephanie had worded a few things.  But despite the many questions and uncertainties in Danny's head, the one thing he asks is, "Who did you invite over to watch the coverage with you?"

Stephanie knows she could play dumb if she wanted to, ask what coverage he's talking about, or just lie and say it wasn't important.  But she said this much now.  And she knows only part of it is a fair criticism and none of it will truly make sense to him until she tells him the truth.  All of it.

So Stephanie takes one long breath, carefully looking away from her dad as she tries to gain some composure again.  As she exhales, Stef looks her Dad in the eye and feel her whole body exhale as she finally says to him, "Her name is Deanna and I'm in love with her.  We've been together for almost a year now."

Danny breaks eye contact with Stephanie and shakily asks, "And how long have you…"

Stephanie knows her dad probably doesn't even have the words to finish the question even if he wanted to, so she supplies, "known that I’m gay?"  She doesn't wait for her father to answer or even look at her again.  Instead, she continues unbidden, "I suspected since I was 12, but had no clue what it meant.  I knew for sure since Gia, but didn't have the words. I let myself feel it for the first time when I was 21, but I still didn't have the words or even really know what it meant.  I admitted it in my own head a couple years later, when I first met Deanna.  I had learned the words by then, but I didn't yet have the courage.  A couple months later, I found that courage, I said it out loud, and I haven't looked back since."

Pausing again, Stephanie continues quietly, "But it seems like that's all you want to do, Dad.  Look back.  And I'm sorry for throwing all this at you.  I just…I guess I don't know how to live in this nostalgic world of yours anymore.  And more than that, I don't want to.  I'm done hiding inside of this bubble.  I've been outside of it for too long to come back in now."

Stef pauses for a few seconds to see if Danny wants to say anything.  When he still doesn't look at her, Stephanie continues quietly, "And, Dad, I know you feel safe in here.  That you really don't like dealing with anything that makes you uncomfortable.  Maybe that stems from Mom dying.  I don't know.  Maybe you felt you've dealt with enough hard things for a lifetime in that one moment.  But having dealt with your fair share of hardships and pain doesn’t mean you get to turn your back on the rest of the world and even on your own kids when they don't fit inside of your pre-conceived notions."

Danny finally looks up at Stef at this statement.  His look is filled with sadness as he says, "I never turned my back on you, Stef." 

"But, Dad," Stephanie implores, "your silence…it feels just the same as turning your back.  And I'm not just talking about what you say and do on your show.  Once I stepped out on my own and got involved in the music world and started travelling all over the place, you stopped asking questions.  You stopped wanting to be involved and getting to know what I'm doing with my life.  It wasn't all at once.  At first you'd ask what I'd been up to, about my shows and the parties I went to afterwards.  But then when I told you, even the very sanitized versions of what I was doing with my life were too hard for you to hear.  And so gradually, you stopped asking.  And I know you did the same for Michelle."

Danny pipes up at this, looking concerned and shocked, "Is Michelle…?"

Stephanie shakes her head, frustrated, "No, Dad.  Michelle isn't gay.  God, you can't even say it, can you?  And what if she were?  Would that change things?  Make you ask more questions of her or less?  Make you cut her off even more than you already have?" 

Running her fingers through her long hair in ever-increasing frustration, Stephanie continues, "You stopped being our loving, involved father when we stopped being your predictable little kids.  You're still DJ's dad because she went and did exactly what you expected of her.  She got married.  Had a few kids.  Even moved back in to your very own house.  You stayed involved with her.  You asked the questions and knew what was going on in her life.   At holidays and reunions, you didn't have to ask her the same questions that Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, and Joey all had to ask her because you already knew.  But with Michelle and I, you do ask those same questions.  Because you don't just know."  At this, Danny finally refocuses his gaze on Stephanie, tears starting to stream down on his face, as Stephanie continues, "And it's not about proximity.  You live nearby but you still don't actually see DJ and the kids all that often.  But you talk on the phone and email all the time.  You don't do that with me or with Michelle.  Because we're not going to give you safe answers.  Somewhere along the way, your own predictable, comfortable life became more important than being our Dad.  And you've got to deal with that.  Because I really miss my Dad.  And I would love to introduce him to the love of my life.  But I haven't seen my Dad in a very long time."

Stephanie says this last sentence barely louder than a whisper, as Danny takes a heavy seat at the kitchen table and hangs his head.  Stephanie can't tell if it's shame or guilt, sadness or just confusion written behind his eyes.

Stephanie walks over to Danny, puts her hand on his shoulder, and squeezes.  She stands there for a few seconds before saying, "I'm going for a walk.  If you want to talk, I'll be back in a little bit."  Danny reaches up and squeezes Stephanie's hand for a brief moment before she walks out the back door of the old family home.


End file.
